‘Untethered’

A personal reflection on identity, belonging and confidence.

Here I’ve written a little piece straight from my journal on my experience of losing many of the structures that held my identity, and discovering what remains underneath.

My painting reflects:

• the world disorientated/upside down

• soft femininity remaining present despite instability

• groundedness being internal rather than environmental

• nature and openness symbolising surrender and growth

‘I think being grounded has less to do with standing on stable ground, and more to do with learning not to lose yourself when you are upside-down.’

Three months ago, I moved from Australia to France.

While I thought I would be building a new life, even more so, I’ve actually been rebuilding my relationship with myself. A process I didn’t realise I needed.

I have been journalling on this alot the past few weeks and thought i’d share what I have learnt so far along side my art.

It’s true that in Australia, my life was built on foundations that made me feel secure in who I was, a supportive family, meaningful work I invested years into and felt confident in, friendships and community, as well as more simple aspects taken for granted like familiarity in language, routine & culture. I moved through the world with certainty because the world around me constantly reflected back a version of myself I understood and had control over.

I arrived in France and pretty much overnight, every one of these external foundations and more were removed all at once.

I could no longer communicate fluently. I was alone, no one knew anything about me and I didn’t understand the social rhythms around me. I no longer had my support network close by, no real stability and absolutely no sense of mastery in my environment. To be honest it felt like being a baby, learning the world all over again. All the day to day things that once felt effortless suddenly became difficult.

While of course there was a lot of excitement and beauty in finally doing something I always dreamed of, the reality is, at the same time it has been incredibly challenging and I began to meet an almost timid version of myself. Constantly noticing that even simple interactions made me feel small, apologetic and uncertain to the point I thought I was losing myself and going backwards.

This has been uncomfortable to face as I always believed I was very confident in who I was, but what was being revealed was that so much of my confidence had actually been rooted in external security. Not in a profound acceptance for just me existing at my purest core, when nothing else is impressive or lifting me up.

It has required turning my life ‘upside-down’ and stripping absolutely everything away, to show me this.

I made this big change in the first place, because I knew I needed to expand my horizons in order to grow outside of my box. Doing it alone has taken more courage than I have ever required of myself & it was a difficult step to take when ‘the box’ was already beautiful.

When that structure disappears, you really are left face to face with yourself, without any familiar markers that once reassure you of your worth. You realise that true groundedness is internal and has to be able to stand alone. The mere fruits of your presence has to be enough.

It has been a turning point for me in how I carry myself, one that hasn’t had to be incredibly complicated either. It’s simply taken very honest reflection and awareness to switch how I show up in the world while it feels upside down. To ask myself,

Can I still choose to be secure when I am misunderstood?
Can I still take up space, speak with and carry myself with confidence when I am learning and making mistakes?
Can I still believe I am enough when I no longer feel impressive, fluent or fully capable?

It’s been this process of making the choice every day to carry myself boldly when it’s uncomfortable, and check myself when I notice I’m defaulting apologetic or unsure of myself in social and work dynamics.

Of course this isn’t easy but it is part of learning that sustainable confidence in this world is not the absence of instability, but the willingness to remain open and unapologetic within it. To let the world receive me as I am, and back myself as worthy and valuable when I’m evolving and learning. To understand that even when everything around me feels beyond me, I do not have to abandon myself or make myself small.

In my painting, the landscape is intentionally flipped and unstable, reflecting the disorientation of rebuilding yourself in an unfamiliar world. Yet despite the world being upside down, the feminine figure remains rested, open, and present within it. She is still grounded, the tree on her surface representing foundations/ roots that go deep enough for her to exist beautifully and securely within the unknown.

I feel my foundations as a woman have been transformed for the better and that’s something I can carry forward for the rest of my life. I’m more sure that I will choose to advocate for myself and remain poised in any season life throws at me because I have worked on doing this in one of the most vulnerable and challenging positions I could have safely created for myself.

While I know it is a privileged way to grow it carries significant weight for me nonetheless on my journey, that I feel is worth sharing.

It is also true that like all things, the disorientation is temporary and as you move through this discomfort the growth happens and you will come out the other end with the fruits of broader horizons and life experience. I do however think it’s so important to carry yourself with the same self-assurance no matter which part of the process you are in. Choice of language/ expression in daily interactions plays a huge part in this and I have written more on language and self efficacy which I’d love to share in another blog soon.

I hope this little piece of my world lately can inspire similar reflection around belief in and acceptance for the most bare form of who you are, when no worldly clothes are dressing you. To try new things that scare you a little, and when you do, advocate for yourself, let the world meet you and respect you there.

With love,

Kiara-Bella

I painted most of this in the Luxembourg Gardens, my favourite park in Paris

Finishing touches